Poems & Prose « Result #5 on Jun 5, 2005, 8:53pm »
I walked everywhere. But inside I realised I had no place to go Getting out of bed was one of the hardest things I had to do But somehow I made it out each day Sleeping at night was a novelty; during the day it became a necessity Food. Ah food, I have always wondered what that was. I learnt that I’m meant to place it in my mouth and it would keep me alive Didn’t they realise I was there because I didn’t want to be alive? When I wouldn’t fill out a menu The dietician came into play Happily ticking boxes But really ruining my plan When the bell rang for tea I would dart into the closest room Just to be found five minutes later by an angry nurse I would be placed at a table with an alcoholic and an anorexic Nurse smiley would lift the cover off the food just to reveal… A corpse and a tree; a fluid secreted by bovine mammary glands; gobs of congealed grease Or as she would say Chicken and broccoli with mash potato Oh and lets not forget that yummy looking custard and glass of milk NOT! It use to have a heartbeat, Now this innocent chicken was on my cold plate Next to a gob of goo What do you think of as you munch on your Big Mac dripping with secret sauce? No doubt tomato sauce watered down. Yay go the huge cooperate companies of today. I would try and explain all this to the nurse but she would just give me the knife and fork Oh what to stab it to death again? I would argue that there was no way I was going to chew on a carcass just to swallow blood and gristle. They would then say try the mash potato then. I knew I wasn’t leaving the table until something had passed my lips, Unwillingly I took some of the goo and placed it in my mouth Ok don’t taste it, just swallow. As it would go down my throat the numbers on the scale would go up I could just see it I knew I had to get out of that room I named it the calorie room Even walking in to get a drink of water I was bound to breathe in fat I wish she could have entered my mind Then she wouldn’t be forcing me to eat I would finish the last bit of goo i.e. mash potato And leave Scared, scared of what I was going to do next. My fingers didn’t even have to enter my mouth anymore It just happened At least that grease filled potato was gone. Now to my diary Whatever happened went in my diary. Thinking about it now maybe it wasn’t such a good idea They took my diary off me in the end They called it obsessive behaviour Huh, did they want me to tell them everything instead? Apparently yes. As if. I was here not because I wanted to but because I was in danger. Well that’s the nuts they told me. I wouldn’t tell them anything! If I did I may as well of called the place home. When I think I have it how they want it to be My heart changes and I hear myself shout But no one else does...
Where can I run? Please hide the bullets and take away the gun. You frown upon my unworthy figure Which makes me think of the ultimate trigger My book of undeserving perfection And my forever failing at self correction Id end my life if I could be flawless for just one day If I could have that smile that would take any cares away Those soft and slim thighs That I would look at with my ample green eyes Long and slender arms that each end in a porcelain hand Powerful red hair, that gets shinier and silkier with each strand The size 8 jeans that I would be able to buy Id be the girl that could get any guy If I had all this would I be truly content? Or is the world already happy with what god has sent?
I see you stare like a hungry child at cake That smile on your face looks so fake Your loving and caring just to be looked at Never letting me forget that I am fat Knowing enough to leave me alone Then back to the blank conversation on the phone Always the same way around here Im the one left to hold onto the fear
Silent voices in my head Making decisions against what’s been said Hiding what I really need Just showing anger and greed Screams echoing in the air Always going for what is unfair Despising every inch of me Close my eyes so I don’t have to see Lay my body down to sleep Never again to hear me weep
Re: Recovery Buddies « Result #6 on Jun 2, 2005, 11:00pm »
Hi, My names Angie,17. I would love to be a support buddy. Pick any of my emails. ripcurlgirl87@bigpond.com angela.cox.00@education. tas.gov.au angelamariecox@hotmail.com
Angie's journal « Result #7 on Jun 2, 2005, 10:52pm »
Hi! Umm my name is Angela, but call me Angie. Im 17 and I live in Tasmania, Australia. I live by myself due to being kicked out of both my parents places ummm my fault though so can't complain. Im 33 weeks pregnant but i now have my mums full support, she cant wait to be a grandparent. Im having a girl and naming her Amelia. I got pregnant a month after coming out of a psych ward, wa sin there for two months. Ummm the father has left me, ha what a surprise but its for the better. Ummm thats bout it i think. I was anorexic, very pro but have seen what it does and it isnt something to hide behind. I have a major project going on at the moment, im making a youth services directory for Southern Tasmania.www.freewebs.com/youthservicesforsoutherntasmania My daughter has her own website, even though she isnt born yet. www.freewebs.com/ameliasidneycox/ Ummm i guess i just want to surround myself with alot of support from people who arent pro in anyway. Im sick of people saying they arent then they turn out to be still. anyway, if im welcome here i will keep you updated...scared nutsless...im gonna be a mum!!! lol
Re: Faith's Daily Thoughts! « Result #10 on Apr 9, 2005, 8:35am »
Hey,
Missa, it was nice to hear from you and thanks for checking up on me. Things here are going really well - no need for concern. However, I am concerned about you - please take care of yourself!
I went home for my spring break which was very nice and relaxing - It was great to see my parents and brothers. Although it was kinda wierd b/c most of my friends have grown up and moved away. So, I didn't get to see as many people as I would have liked to.
Then, I've been back in the US for the past two weeks. It's been super busy with work and the end of the semester etc. But I am managing to keep my stress level under control which is pretty impressive for me. I was also pleasantly surprised by how much I missed the people here while I was at home - I can say that I actually like it here now and am feeling much more at home. In fact I know some of the people here well enough now that it's fun (not scary) to go out and do things with them.
As for the eating - I'll admit that I still struggle a little but it's as good as it's been in a long time so I am happy about that.
Take care. I hope that things are going smashingly with you!
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